Getting your Phil of the Super Bowl

Some evil geniuses seek world domination. Some seek revenge. But I have Steelers Jerseys a more original goal: to craft a column carefully designed to crash the Post-Gazette Web site and clean out every honor box in Washington County.It's fiendishly simple, Mr. Bond. An irresistible, frenzy-inducing concept, a perfect storm of media magnetism.Punxsutawney Phil ... goes to the Super Bowl.Here we go, groundhog, here we go!In the business world, this is called synergy. You take the Phil brand, and the Steelers brand and the Super Bowl brand, and you blend them, light them, stream them, merchandise them, telecast them and/or put them on a stick and sell them all together. Fans of all three explode in an orgy of beer mugs and foam hats.Some of my ideas may have to wait until the next harmonic convergence of these Western Pennsylvania high holidays, but it's sure to happen again in our lifetimes, right? Do what you can this year and plan ahead for next time. It will give you something to do during the long, boring baseball season.1. Get the Steelers in on the shadow-spotting act. Put various members of the team in underground burrows throughout the region and have them leap out at the crack of dawn on Groundhog Day, tackle a guy in a top hat and announce whether there will be six more weeks of drink specials.2. If Phil sees his shadow, ensuring another month and a half of scraping our windshields, he gets immediate free airfare courtesy of Jeff Reed. Phil wears a helmet and padding, of course, and if you catch him, you win a black and gold scraper.3. Phil stars LaMarr Woodley Jersey in a Super Bowl-themed "Pimp My Groundhog" show. He gets dressed up in a tiny Steelers jersey, gold spandex pants and all the other Steelerwear available in his size. Seattle fans deck out an Olympic marmot, indigenous to Washington state, in Seahawks garb -- maybe even give him a beak or some wings. Give him a name like Tacoma Ted.Then we enter their two burrows in a best-gameroom contest. I'm thinking a big photo layout for Phil's place in the Post-Gazette, where we see his Terrible-Towel carpeting, hole theater setup and keggerator. He may be into the underground scene, but you know the Philster is a party animal.4. Invite a groundhog to watch the game with you. They get all this attention one day of the year, and then what? Nothing. You just drive right past them as they waddle along the berm of the turnpike. You don't even stop and offer to call AAA on your cell or give them a lift.So why not invite one to your Super Bowl party? It'll leave the kielbasa for you and gobble up all those celery and carrot-based so-called munchies that are supposed to be healthy that nobody eats. Plus, when it falls asleep, you can use it as a sofa cushion.5. And speaking of munchies ... here is perhaps the ultimate integration of the groundhog theme into your Super Bowl festivities. I found this on the Internet, so you know it must be good:Contry[sic]-Style Groundhog1 groundhog1/2 c. flour1/4 tsp. salt1/4 tsp. pepper1/4 tsp. Santonio Holmes Jersey soda1/4 c. cooking oil1/2 tsp. sugarNOTE: Clean and skin as soon as possible. Remove all scent glands. Cut off head, feet and tail. Cure in cool place by suspending from hook approximately 4 days. (May I suggest in your basement next to your Steelers banner and inflatable Ben Roethlisberger? Nothing says "Here we go!" quite like a four-day-old headless varmint on a hook.) When ready to cook, lard according to recipe. (You know how to lard, right?)Dress groundhog as for rabbit (or in Steelers hat), removing the small sacs in the back and under the forearm. (No sweat stains, please!) Soak groundhog overnight in salted water to remove wild flavor. Combine flour, salt, pepper and soda; rub into groundhog pieces. Brown groundhog in hot oil in skillet; sprinkle with sugar. Reduce heat; add 1/2 cup water. Cover, simmer for about 30 minutes or until tender. Remove cover; cook for 10 minutes longer.You could serve that at halftime over rice, noodles, sauerkraut or sawdust, depending on how many beers have been consumed. Six more weeks of winter? Come into the kitchen and say that.